394 and beyond

Today is June 12, 2015. Exactly on this day last year, UPSC released the rank list of the people who had cleared their year-long grueling process called the Civil Services Examination. It was the culmination of many months of preparation and hardwork for many, including myself. Thankfully in last year’s list my name featured at rank number 394. 

It all started on one ordinary night during a Facebook chat with Umesh Kesavan, the then Chairman of my college’s Student Union. We were in our 3^rd year of college awaiting our campus placements. Umesh, being Umesh, chose not to sit for placements and was preparing for the Civil services. The chat veered on to the government and the state of the nation, what we so often call as the ‘system’ and I, being myself, was bitching about it – this is not right, that is not good, we need change, this, that and so many other things. Umesh asked me a simple question – “If you are complaining so much about the system then what are you going to do about it? Why don’t you join the system?” It seemed like a normal question but it was a minor moment of epiphany for me. This question was a key motivating factor whenever I felt like down and close to out. And, Umesh was the one who called on June 12, 2014 and said that “Dey un paeru list la irukku da. Poi paaru.” (Dude, your name is in the list. Go check now). Thank you Umesh.

Now when I look back, there have been so many people who have helped me in this long journey. Some are still with me. Some sadly aren’t. Such blog posts are nothing but mere words. They won’t suffice in expressing my gratitude to many people - my parents who shifted to Chennai just for helping me in my preparation; to my brother Raghavendar who has been elated and joyous more than anyone whenever something good has happened in my life (this 394 was for you da); to Prabhakaran sir and Sangeetha akka who believed (and still do) in me more than myself; to all my friends who have felt proud at whatever I have managed to do.

To be frank, the initial reaction after seeing the rank list was ‘Dammit, this is not what I wanted. This should have been atleast a 100 less. If this is what I can get after such a mammoth effort, then dammit’. Actually, I have been lucky to get this 394. It could have gone wrong at any point of the process, but it didn’t. Had I attempted two questions less, I might have ended up in the 600s. If Mr. A.P. Singh had given me 153 instead of 173 in the interview, I would not have even made it to the final list. Some of my friends who are more well-read than me, who have put in more amount and years of hardwork than me have not made it yet. Now I can say that if ‘394’ is what I can get after such a mammoth effort, then ‘394’ is what I will be in love with all my heart and be thankful for. And ultimately, to quote Thalaivar, the fact remains that, “கெடைக்குறது கெடைக்காம இருக்காது, கெடைக்காம இருக்குறது கெடைக்காது” (What you will get, you won’t miss it; what you won’t get, you will never get it.)

The journey ain’t over yet. There is one last appointment with the folks at UPSC in the afternoon of the 16^th of June. Or maybe it ain’t the last appointment. But this one year including the 6-or-so months as an ‘officer’ has put so many things in perspective. There seems to be a new respect attached to me. Humility is met with surprise and almost as a quality that I shouldn’t possess. You are expected to float in the air and you are told that you now have the right to do so. Being officers is seen as pre-written destiny and we are here to do favours for the rest of the lesser mortals.

The fact that one has landed up in the ‘service’ has come about to define the person. There is also an air of complaint once a person has entered the service. The attitude seems to be that “now that I am in this service already, I deserve a better service”. In our frantic search for the ‘blessedness’ of our service and what we want, we forget what we are already here for.

From what I see, I have only unlocked the doors to a plethora of duties, responsibilities and opportunities. There is a daunting task ahead and miles to go before I will be able to sleep with the satisfaction of actually having done something good. The 2 years, from August 2012 to June 2014, was preparation, not just for the Exam but also for keeping a level-head after the results. This rank/service/post doesn’t define me. It never should and, hopefully, never will. It is just a tag; a temporary appendix.It is those 2 years of struggle that defines me.

Those days when I was 200% sure that I am quitting my job to prepare for the civil services, those joyous moments spent reading the Constitution and Economics, those arguments trying to convince my mom that my dream is here and not in the US, those long nights of despair spent listening to Bharathi's Ninnai Charanadaindhen Kannamma (Ma, I have surrendered to thee) and Ekla Cholo Re, those intense moments of self-doubt when I miraculously found every bit of confidence in me to continue – these are the ones that I cherish and will be proud of. Thinking of all these now, I am amazed at my inner strength and sense of purpose. And, I am sure everyone who has prepared or is preparing for the civil services would have gone through this phase.

Whatever I am now, is because of whatever I did then. And whatever motivated me in these 2 years shall continue to do so in the future. And it is to these 2 years that I shall go back whenever this ‘394’ dares to go from my heart to my head.

Mother's Day lullaby

When you think about Tamil songs on mother, there are numerous ones right from Thaai Illaamal Naan Illai (Adimai Penn; Music: KV Mahadevan) to Amma Amma (Velai Illaa Pattadhaari; Music: Anirudh). Not a surprise for an industry with the Amma sentiment. When you think about Mother songs composed by the Maestro, the ones that come immediately to the mind would be Amma Endrazhaikkaadha (Mannan), Chinna Thaai Aval (Thalapathy) etc.

But strangely this is the song that has been repeatedly ringing in my head today.

To put some context, the song is from the movie ‘Nandalala’ which is a remake of the Korean movie ‘Kikujiro’. It is about a travel of two kids - one mentally challenged in his 30s and one school-going 8-year old. The older one, played by the director Mysskin, had been left in a mental asylum in his childhood by his mother and she never paid him a visit over the years. All the frustration and longing for his mother builds up into anger and his only wish in life is to meet her and give one tight slap for what she had done to him. One fine day, he escapes from the asylum and goes in search of his mom.

Finally Mysskin finds his mom. With all the rage built up over the years, he rushes inside the house only to find his mother chained to a stone in the backyard. As it turns out, the poor mother was unable to overcome her guilt for what she had done to him and confines herself to a life of misery. At this point, the very purpose of Mysskin’s journey turns on its head and he breaks down and cries like a baby. Fate has it that this grown-up mentally disturbed kid now has to become a mother himself and take care of his mom. Tragic and poetic.

And there is an interesting anecdote on how the song was composed. When Mysskin narrated the entire situation to Raaja, the man just sat there with his harmonium for about 15 minutes. And, then he started singing the song WITH the following lyrics spontaneously,

Thaalaattu Ketka Naanum… Ethanai Naal Kaathirundhen

Thaai Unna Kaana Thaanae… Thavichu Naan Oadi Vandhen

Amma Unna Paathaa… Vaartha Varla Maele

Ippo Unna Paathaa… Pachcha Pulla Polae

Thaalaattu Paada Ingae Yaar Aariraaro

“I have been waiting for years to hear my lullaby

I have run across so many miles just to see you, my mother

When I see you my mom, there are no words to speak

I have seen you now and you are a baby yourself

Who should sing a lullaby for whom, now?”

Raaja’s mastery in blending the music with the story can be seen in his use of percussions in the song. After finding his mother in such a miserable state, Mysskin picks her up and carries her with him. And the beats capture this perfectly. The thaalam is akin to footsteps; there is no change in the tempo or anything but the song just travels slowly in the son’s footsteps. Did Mysskin tell him this specfically or the Master himself gave it to him on a platter, we don't know.

The fact that Raaja is an excellent and underrated lyricist is very evident from this song. He nails it especially in these lines

“Is love itself a pain?”

 and

“There were times when I was bound my chains

It is fair that you are bound by your own chains”

The first use of chains refers to how Mysskin was bound in the asylum; the second line refers that his mother was bound by the chains of love to her son. Metaphoraaja!

Everything about this song – the voice, the lyrics, the flute, the cello (?) and violins at the beginning of both the interludes - gives a sense of missing and longing and fills me up with this soothing feeling of pain. This is not the classic mother song like the ‘Amma Endrazhaikkaadha’ which is a son’s flowery ode to his divine mother. This is a lullaby; a lullaby from a son to his mother; a painful lullaby from Raaja for all the sons and daughters who are thousands of kilometres away from home.

Happy Mother’s Day to all those kids and their mothers :)

P.S.: Song lyrics with my translation in the first comment. The translation doesn’t do justice to the words.