394 and beyond

Today is June 12, 2015. Exactly on this day last year, UPSC released the rank list of the people who had cleared their year-long grueling process called the Civil Services Examination. It was the culmination of many months of preparation and hardwork for many, including myself. Thankfully in last year’s list my name featured at rank number 394. 

It all started on one ordinary night during a Facebook chat with Umesh Kesavan, the then Chairman of my college’s Student Union. We were in our 3^rd year of college awaiting our campus placements. Umesh, being Umesh, chose not to sit for placements and was preparing for the Civil services. The chat veered on to the government and the state of the nation, what we so often call as the ‘system’ and I, being myself, was bitching about it – this is not right, that is not good, we need change, this, that and so many other things. Umesh asked me a simple question – “If you are complaining so much about the system then what are you going to do about it? Why don’t you join the system?” It seemed like a normal question but it was a minor moment of epiphany for me. This question was a key motivating factor whenever I felt like down and close to out. And, Umesh was the one who called on June 12, 2014 and said that “Dey un paeru list la irukku da. Poi paaru.” (Dude, your name is in the list. Go check now). Thank you Umesh.

Now when I look back, there have been so many people who have helped me in this long journey. Some are still with me. Some sadly aren’t. Such blog posts are nothing but mere words. They won’t suffice in expressing my gratitude to many people - my parents who shifted to Chennai just for helping me in my preparation; to my brother Raghavendar who has been elated and joyous more than anyone whenever something good has happened in my life (this 394 was for you da); to Prabhakaran sir and Sangeetha akka who believed (and still do) in me more than myself; to all my friends who have felt proud at whatever I have managed to do.

To be frank, the initial reaction after seeing the rank list was ‘Dammit, this is not what I wanted. This should have been atleast a 100 less. If this is what I can get after such a mammoth effort, then dammit’. Actually, I have been lucky to get this 394. It could have gone wrong at any point of the process, but it didn’t. Had I attempted two questions less, I might have ended up in the 600s. If Mr. A.P. Singh had given me 153 instead of 173 in the interview, I would not have even made it to the final list. Some of my friends who are more well-read than me, who have put in more amount and years of hardwork than me have not made it yet. Now I can say that if ‘394’ is what I can get after such a mammoth effort, then ‘394’ is what I will be in love with all my heart and be thankful for. And ultimately, to quote Thalaivar, the fact remains that, “கெடைக்குறது கெடைக்காம இருக்காது, கெடைக்காம இருக்குறது கெடைக்காது” (What you will get, you won’t miss it; what you won’t get, you will never get it.)

The journey ain’t over yet. There is one last appointment with the folks at UPSC in the afternoon of the 16^th of June. Or maybe it ain’t the last appointment. But this one year including the 6-or-so months as an ‘officer’ has put so many things in perspective. There seems to be a new respect attached to me. Humility is met with surprise and almost as a quality that I shouldn’t possess. You are expected to float in the air and you are told that you now have the right to do so. Being officers is seen as pre-written destiny and we are here to do favours for the rest of the lesser mortals.

The fact that one has landed up in the ‘service’ has come about to define the person. There is also an air of complaint once a person has entered the service. The attitude seems to be that “now that I am in this service already, I deserve a better service”. In our frantic search for the ‘blessedness’ of our service and what we want, we forget what we are already here for.

From what I see, I have only unlocked the doors to a plethora of duties, responsibilities and opportunities. There is a daunting task ahead and miles to go before I will be able to sleep with the satisfaction of actually having done something good. The 2 years, from August 2012 to June 2014, was preparation, not just for the Exam but also for keeping a level-head after the results. This rank/service/post doesn’t define me. It never should and, hopefully, never will. It is just a tag; a temporary appendix.It is those 2 years of struggle that defines me.

Those days when I was 200% sure that I am quitting my job to prepare for the civil services, those joyous moments spent reading the Constitution and Economics, those arguments trying to convince my mom that my dream is here and not in the US, those long nights of despair spent listening to Bharathi's Ninnai Charanadaindhen Kannamma (Ma, I have surrendered to thee) and Ekla Cholo Re, those intense moments of self-doubt when I miraculously found every bit of confidence in me to continue – these are the ones that I cherish and will be proud of. Thinking of all these now, I am amazed at my inner strength and sense of purpose. And, I am sure everyone who has prepared or is preparing for the civil services would have gone through this phase.

Whatever I am now, is because of whatever I did then. And whatever motivated me in these 2 years shall continue to do so in the future. And it is to these 2 years that I shall go back whenever this ‘394’ dares to go from my heart to my head.